Today, what does the word mean? Why reference by days, months or even years? Time is something that stands against us, it's not on our side, regardless of what time brings you it will eventually end. It did today for one of my best friends, albeit not human but my dear Vixen. She lived to be about 3, she was always full of energy and always explored regardless the situation. She was white with a long brownish tail, her whiskers were cute and made her eyes ever more evangical. And now she's gone, none of her previous traits matter anymore because she's gone. I don't know how I dealt with it, I'm still not sure if I've delt with it. I don't really think I've ever dealt with anything in my life, I usually just find some place deep inside that isn't full yet and store it there. Even when I feel like I'm at the brink of my own existance I still manage to dig and dig, makes me feel like I'm my own graveyard. How many people have died is all of our years on Earth, how many have lived to tell its tale; Makes me sick to think that life is one sided. I used to quote myself alot saying "No one dies without having a threesome, life and death are two nasty bitches that just want to fuck you." I'm not sure I could quote that anymore, admitting to my own fears and weaknesses just makes me more depressed. I was hoping to avoid this sounding emo but when it comes down to it, are emotions really something we should hide? I've hidden every emotion I've ever had and felt; And why, so I could seem strong to the ones I love? The only thing I see myself as is empty, a shell that remains from its once gleeming owner, a man with passion and fire in his eyes. That died a long time ago, I'm not sure what happened but what ever it was, it did happen.

Maybe it was my Grandfather's death, maybe it was my Grandmother's death, or maybe there is nothing that triggered my anger and fears and these are all thoughts of my own doing. It's been along time since my Granthfather was around, he died of cancer in 1999, two days before Christmas. Needless to say I now don't beleive in these fairytale holidays, I won't even celebrate my own birth. What is the point I ask, why celebrate something that will only bring death. Life is a little too over-rated for my tastes, I mean why celebrate a life when we all know it's just bound to expire eventually. Do we celebrate when we open a carton of milk and it's fresh? Do we celebrate a cow's ability to expunge white liquids into buckets for our own digestion? No, none of these are things we praise daily so why is life so greatly admired?

I mean sure, life is full of wonderful things like friends, love, and memories; what importance does any of this have though. Friends are only friends until you do something they don't like or until you go your separate ways. Love is something we all search for but never manage to find, realisticly there is no such thing as love just an over-expressed emotion of joy. And memories, the one thing that captivates me, the lies from our past to our future. Memories are nothing but stories, and stories are such twistable and creatable compounds of words; Nothing More, Nothing Less. Life really doesn't mean a whole lot in the greater aspect of things. Do you think the sun, the moon, or any possible life in other galaxies care whether we live or not? Maybe Charles Manson had it right, maybe some need to be picked from the herd for quality control.

Please note: this is not the cries of a depressed fool, it is merely a way to vent my stress and anger in a unique way. I am quite content living my life and no, I'm not the next Charles Manson...yet ;)